:)))

Wanna be in love :)))

Feels Good to be Back

There's something i have never mentioned to anybody before. I have been thinking for a long time should i write it out and i think i can do it.

So, I was lost. I cut myself off from everybody i know except my family and just one friend since August 2009. I ignored my previous maid's CNY greetings, I ignored wedding invitation from an ex-colleague. I never pick up phone calls from anybody that my phone bills are so cheap every month. Except from my siblings, I never received smses at all but only once in a while from a friend. I think i did a great job cos i made everyone forget that i ever existed.

During this period of time i developed Telephone Phobia. I'm scared each time my phone rings. I hate private calls and i always question in my mind what do these people want from me? Apart from that i also suffered a little Social phobia. I lost the confidence to walk on streets.

Finally after 10 months later, i went on a new job and now that i pick myself up again, it feels good. But I'm afraid that i might lose it again if i decided to quit the job anytime soon. I'm also afraid that i can't mix well with people, young people.... I have never mix with them before, and i don't really like to mix around.

I'm not depressed, i just didn't want to talk to anybody else. But i felt guilty to some people whom i blocked in MSN, they're the few who talked to me the most. Anyway, i made myself quit MSN and Facebook for a very long period of time only until recently. I do not know how to contact them again and i think i need to apologise to them.... Sorry, maybe later.

I'm not afraid of the phone anymore. I'm now able to answer phone calls without any hesitation.... I am able to walk on streets without thinking that people are despising me anymore but I'm still not really liking the idea of mixing around with people.

By the way, i enjoyed being solo all this while....

Where Do I Pay Attention On People?

Guy
Hair
Dressing
Face
Lips
Nose
Eyes
Shoulder Width
Height
Complexion
Facial Hair?
Clothes/Pants
Cuff links
Neck ties
His Watch
His Smile
His Fingers
His Nails (Major Turn-off when they keep only the Pinky Nail)
Manners (Gentlemanly?)
The way he talks

Woman
Hair
Face
Complexion
Chest
Hip
Thighs
Dressing
Manner
The way she talks
Is she real or fake?


OKay... Maybe that's all, for initial get-to-know period.

My Thoughts on Child, Family and Marriage

I started thinking about this issue for quite some time. I so wanna get married now. I used to want to have lots of kids, I'm talking like 5 boys and 3 girls... I hope my first child to be a BOY, then GIRL, BOY, BOY, GIRL, BOY, GIRL, and lastly BOY. Not like i could choose. hahahahah

Then i thought if there are lesser people around, wouldn't you be able to spend more time with them? I already need time for my husband and if i do not have enough time to spend with him and there are going to be kids around, what's gonna happen to our loving time?

After my mum told me that my dad used to say "no" to children because he was afraid about the upbringing part, this strucks me and i got worried. But once they started having the first, next popped me and my brother. Then, he left everyone midway.

About the child upbringing wise, i hope to do it with my husband and myself, instead of leaving my kids to childcare or throw them to the care of mine or his parents.

Manners are very important to me. I will be teaching my child to be humble and to put others first while themselves last. To be generous with food and money, not to be selfish or too greedy, be kind and hardworking. I myself do not posses all these traits but at least i am trying to be a better person step by step. You have to come across situations before you get a chance to teach or learn. AND THERE ARE SO MUCH TO LEARN... Well for all these I'm open to discussion cos i know that for example, sometimes putting yourselves last might means disadvantage (eg. food. lollll... kidding). But all these are not certain. You have to understand and do it like you mean it. I can't be a perfect person or nor am i a person with the utmost manners and personalities. Sometimes i forget and only thought about it after things already happened. I might be shallow and there are lots of things that i do not know. But I'd like my child to be better than me.

Oh My head... the more i type the further i go and the more confused i get. I can't make up my mind now. I'm not even sure if i want any child anymore. What about none of them and just get a dog companion? I think i will need to check with my husband for his opinions too...

I wanna love my husband and supports him in every way. You know, like my heart beats for him... haha so embarrassing. We are to be like dating even after marriage. I'll cook for him, he'll makes me laugh. We shall always be learning new things from each other... and making plans together...

One thing I do not know about others but i hate when my mum cooks with her sweat and blood but she didn't get to eat much herself. Is this part of being a mother? I'm like that when it comes to my dog, i make sure he eats before me, i get worried if he's home alone, i would cry when he's sick.

It's tough... But the Love of a Mother... I think when it comes, there's no way to run. I wanna be one.

People

... born selfish, stays selfish.
... born greedy, stays greedy.
... lies when young, stays a liar for life.
... steals when young, bring that habit of yours to the end of life.

My Secret Friend

There's a giraffe in my bathroom. It's my secret friend that i kept for a really long time, at least a year. I don't know how he get there in the first place and i couldn't remember when. But you can only see him after a warm bath, when hot water vapour condensed on the surface of the door, that's when he would appear to greet me while i am towel drying myself~~ keke I don't see him nowadays cos i have been taking cold bath... Till then, take care of yourself!!

Nightmares

I woke up with a missing right palm, in sight was my bloody white bone showing from my wrist onwards. Tears flows, in my mind was thoughts like i could no longer write with a right hand, nor hold a pair of chopsticks. Worse of all, wherever i go, people will be staring at me as if I'm an alien. I cried so hard.

Next comes a Tsunami. I was the first to reached home but for some unknown reasons, i couldn't bring my mum to run with me, she lied on the bed as if she had already submitted to the coming waves. I told her i love her and left. I cried so hard.

From a tall tower, which wide windows were present and no gaps were allowed for inflowing sea water, i could see the level of sea water surrounding the tower inches at a time. Almost, before the waves took victory over the town, I took a deep breath and jumped out of a window into the furious sea. I dare not open my eyes as i was sinking and my legs didn't touched a thing to kick so i would surface for another breath. As i lose conscious, i woke up to a room where i saw my mum lying on a bed, sleeping peacefully. I'm happy she's alive.

Just then, i saw my grandmother turning her back and was leaving the place. I missed her so much i don't know if I'm gonna lose her again. I ran up to the gate and shout "BYE BYE AH MA..." I CRIED SO HARD.


*In the dream, my brother was the one who chopped my hand and threw it, i found it in the bin. I forgot the reason he said why he did it.

I woke up and quickly check my right hand, realising it's still there, but numbed. No wonder i do not feel any physical pain in my dream...